Love and Logic

Reid is at that funny age of almost 3 where I have been at a little bit of a loss with how to discipline him. For the most part he is a really, really great kid- I believe exceptionally great. He is very cautious, not agressive, and kind.

Of course there are those moments where he is not easy to discipline. At this age, you wonder what can be expected of them, since he is somewhere between a baby and a child. We decided we are not going to spank our children, so that leaves one wondering what to do? This philosophy was recommended on a message board, and I really liked what they had to say so I bought a couple of the books.

It is called Love and Logic. The basic idea is that the consequences of their actions should teach children. Not yelling, not spanking, not lecturing. The parent is to be empathetic and calm and behave as though it doesn't cause any stress at all do deal with your child. The book has lots of clever and creative consequences for undesirable behaviors, and ways to curb fights. I highly recommend it.

So I just thought I would post an update on how my little experiment with what this book is teaching is going.

First we have been working on trying to offer lots of choices to Reid. We had been doing that a bit anyway, but we are trying to up it.

Second, we have been trying to use our key word that means that basically he is in trouble, we are using "Uh oh".

Third, I really instituted a better time-out policy. In the book if they are doing something you don't like you say "uh oh, looks like bedroom time". It says in the book to take them to their room and ask if they want the door open or closed. Reid would say open, then I would tell him he could come out when he wanted to be nice. Well he quickly caught on to this and would just go right in for a minute yell that he was "gonna to behave" and come back out. I had to up the anty a bit. After he hit his brother because he was mad at me, I closed the door. I followed the books instructions and held the door closed- he did NOT like this at all. I made him stay in for about 5 minutes until he calmed down and then let him come out and told him I loved him. The hardest part about this is my next reaction is to discuss why he is in time-out. These guys say don't do that- let the consequense be the lesson. You are just supposed to say something like "that was sad" and tell them you love them and let it be the end of it.

We had to do that twice and now the Uh oh has become a quick fix with behavior problems.

We have been working on Reid being able to walk at Publix and Target, he understandably gets really excited about this and has a hard time controlling his urge to run, pick things off the shelves, open the refrigerater doors, and wander away. Even though Ryan can sit in the cart now, I have been still keeping him in the sling to keep the front seat open. The last time we went to Publix, I had to put Reid in the cart for something- I forget what, this did not make him happy, he yelled when he was in the cart and cried. I just continued to use empathy like the book says and said I know it's sad, I'm sorry, etc. I gave him one chance to try to get back out of the cart, and about 2 seconds later he was running, so he went back in the cart for the rest of the shopping trip. When we were at Target, he would wander off, and I would hide a little bit so I could see him but he couldn't see me, but unfortunately that didn't really panic him, he just sat there and said "mommy, mommy",I probably should have made myself lost for longer. I am pretty sure he ended up in the cart for that trip too.

Anyway, we went to Publix on Monday and before we got out of the car, I asked Reid what the rules were, he remembered them, so I told him he could walk as long as he followed the rules. He was for the most part PERFECT!! HE stayed right by me, didn't pick anything up, didn't run down the aisles. If he started to have a memory loss all I had to say was "uh oh", and he would be right back by my side saying "I'm gonna behave" in an instant- it was AMAZING!! I did put him in the cart because he opened the freezer doors, but only made him stay in for a minute because I felt like he got it.

We had to have a little talk at Gymboree yesterday too, and after removing him from Gymboree and having a quick talk, he was great the rest of the class and participated in most of the activities (he never wants to participate).

Today I had a really sad one. We were eating lunch and still hadn't showered (Reid showers with me most days- he enjoys playing in my shower and it keeps him out of trouble). He was dawdling eating his peas so I asked him if he wanted to finish his peas and come take a shower or not take a shower- he wanted to take a shower. I told him he had 5 minutes to finish his peas. I even gave him updates on the time, and he just still messed around, so at the end of 5 minutes, I said guess you aren't getting to shower. (What I forgot was to use my empathy word before I said that- you are supposed to say something like "Bummer, looks like no shower for you"-I am still working on that) Anyway, I got in the shower without him- it was SOOOO sad. He sat at the door and cried and cried. At one point he left for a minute then came back and continued the crying, at another point he left and came back with a mouth full of peas, saying he wanted to get in the shower:( It was the saddest thing ever. The old me would have let him come in the shower at that point but the new me just had to say I'm glad you did the right thing buddy, but shower time is over. You can shower tomorrow. It was heart wrenching, but I think next time he won't mess around eating.

What I have learned so far is that all you truly want is for your kids to be happy. Unfortunately in the short-term you kinda have to make them mad. They will be happier in the long run. My first instinct is always to avoid tears or fights, but that is not what is best for him in the long run. This book has really helped me with learning how to discipline in a strict way while being very loving and eliminating yelling and lecturing (I am still working on the lecturing thing). I am finding that it is VERY hard (for me to see him upset about the consequences), but it has been so rewarding to see him get it.

Again I know most of this is common sense, but it has been nice to have a game plan to work with.

Thanks for listening to my rambling:)